Flying Alone, with a Fear of Flying
For as long as I can remember, I’ve had a fear of flying. I’m not sure what it is exactly, but if I had to guess, it’s because I’m afraid of heights, and also afraid to let go of control. I’m literally putting my life in someone else’s hands, thousands of feet above the ground, willingly. All it takes is one wrong move, and we’re going down. At least, that’s where my mind goes.
Anxiety always forces us to think worst case scenario. I was certain we’d crash, when in reality, think about how many flights are happening right now the moment you’re reading this, how many planes take off and land safely every single day, how many planes are in the air right now. People who travel constantly for work, even flight attendants who’s job it is to fly every single day. Nonetheless even though that’s how someone would rationally think, my anxiety was still raging, but, I felt the fear and did it anyway. I booked a flight to Washington DC to visit a friend. 2 weeks out, and for the entire 2 weeks leading up to this hour and a half flight, all I could think was, “I hope I make it.”
The 2 weeks go by, and the day is here. I’m putting my life in someone else’s hands, trusting the pilot and the universe that everything will be okay, and that I’ll make it to tell the tale (Clearly, I did). I sat anxiously in the airport terminal, waiting for the plane to arrive. Leg bouncing, stomach in knots, it’s almost time. 10 minutes before the flight, I think about texting my mom saying I love her, but I decided not to. I didn’t want to scare her. As I looked around and saw how calm everyone else was being, it made me realize how normal the situation should be, despite my brain telling me otherwise. That kinda helped, but I was still terrified.
The plane arrives, and it’s time to board. I get on the flight, strap my seatbelt in, and wait. Palms clammy, trying to control my breathing and stay calm, while frantically trying to download songs and meditations because I realized I forgot to do it beforehand (It didn’t work because I had no service). And then, we started rolling. The plane was backing up, and heading towards the take off zone. The pilot announces we’re prepping for takeoff, and we start to pick up speed. I close my eyes and take a deep breath, feeling my body reluctantly handing over control. “Welp, whatever happens, is meant to be.”
As we started ascending into the sky, rising and subtly dropping over and over, swaying left and right, there was no going back now. I was forced to stay in that seat. I was forced to feel that terror. I couldn’t go anywhere. As we got higher and higher, I couldn’t help but grip the arm rests next to me. My heart rate increasing, my inhales and exhales becoming deeper and more frantic with each breath, I could feel the panic attack coming on. “This it it.” I thought. “These could be my last moments. I might die, right now. And for what? To prove to myself that I could take a plane? I could’ve just taken the train, then I would’ve known for sure I would get to Washington safely. I should’ve just taken the train. How will my family find out if this plane crashes? Will I survive? Will I have to parachute out of this plane if there’s an emergency? I never thought I’d have to go sky diving.” And then, something interesting happened. After 20 minutes of literally feeling like I was about to die, and my mind racing a million miles a minute, I felt calm. Once I realized we were in the air, after about 30 minutes, I started looking around. I saw how calm everyone else was. I saw the flight attendants laughing and smiling, handing out drinks and snacks. I started thinking about how often they do this, how normal it is to them. Looking at the other passengers who were reading books, listening to whatever was playing through their headphones, some even sleeping. It suddenly felt, okay. I started thinking, maybe this really is safe after all.
In this moment, I was overcome with a feeling of peace. I was elated. I did it. I didn’t want to speak too soon since we were still in the air, but, it suddenly felt okay. The anxiety started clearing, and I felt present in the moment. I slowly started looking out the window. Little by little, each glance getting longer and longer, until I realized where we were. Literally flying above the clouds, thousands of feet above the ground, looking at the glowing edge of what I could imagine was the ozone layer (I’m not a scientist, but you can see it in the photo above), glowing at the edge of the horizon. Absolutely breathtaking. As we started flying over land, I felt my eyes welling up with tears. How beautiful is it, to see the world from this perspective. Higher than a bird. And to think I’ve been avoiding an experience like this. I started taking photos and videos with my phone, laughing to myself under my mask in pure joy, happiness, and relief. “Attention folks, we are beginning our descent down to Washington DC. We’ll be landing in around 20 minutes. Enjoy the rest of the flight and thanks for flying with Southwest Airlines.” We were almost there. And just like that, we were on the ground.
What I find so fascinating about comfort zones and the way our body reacts, is that you feel yourself hit a peak. The peak is the point when you’re literally in it, doing the exact thing you’re terrified of. For me, when we were taking off from that runway and ascending into the sky. Your body and mind are freaking out, you’re at your max, you hit the ceiling, the limit. To be clear, the limit that you set for yourself. That “limit” is what you’re used to. It’s the life you’re used to living. The fear, emotions, and physical symptoms that you’re feeling while doing the thing that terrifies you, is your body freaking out because it doesn’t know what’s happening. Your body and mind are trying to react to something that’s never happened before, hence why you’re feeling things you aren’t used to feeling. It feels like you’re in danger, because you’re in fight or flight mode. It feels like you’re literally dying, or about to die. Adrenaline pumping through you, heart racing and the speed of your inhales and exhales increasing and becoming more rapid, your body is prepping you to either fight, or run away, to keep you safe, to escape the danger. Even though, you’re actually completely safe.
The feelings and emotions that I felt after that plane landed, were unlike anything else I’ve felt before. I did it. I faced this debilitating fear that I was absolutely terrified of, and lived to tell the tale. I felt invincible. I felt like all of a sudden, I could tackle anything I wanted. Suddenly, I could travel farther than where a train could take me in a day, because I could fly. Any fear that I had, felt so small and insignificant in that moment. I could handle it, just like I handled this. Because, even though our brains tell us we’re in danger, it doesn’t necessarily mean we always are. We just might be in “danger” based on what we’re used to. For me, I wasn’t used to sitting in a metal tube being lifted thousands of feet in the air. But, people do it every single day. It’s something normal, but it just wasn’t normal to me. It’s up to me to tell and show my body, that it’s okay to do the things that scare me. And just like anything else in life, it will get easier and easier, every single time. Of course, use your discretion and common sense as to what would be dangerous or not, but you get the point.
So, I’ll leave you with this. Just because something is terrifying, doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t do it. We’re trained to think that fear is a bad thing, when in reality, fear is falsely created by our minds to keep us comfortable and safe. I’m sure you’ve heard the quote, “life begins on the outside of our comfort zone.” That couldn’t be any more true. I read another quote recently that stuck with me, and I think it’ll stick with me for a long long time. It said,
“Our minds are designed to keep us safe, not to keep us happy.”
Read that one again.
If there’s something that you want to do in this life, but you haven’t approached it yet because of fear. Please, give yourself a chance. Because what lies on the other side of that fear, is something more beautiful than you ever could’ve imagined. What’s on the other side, is the life you dream of having every single day. And if not that exactly, it’ll be a piece that gets you one step closer. There is no such thing as “failure”, because even if something doesn’t go according to plan, there’s always something to learn that we’ll take with us next time.
Take a chance on yourself, but also give yourself grace, and just remember that it won’t be easy. Because nothing that’s ever worth it, will ever be easy.
You got this.
